caught · & · spun · in · the · light

the space behind you meanders
into shadow. your hands scrabble
at the glass for purchase. chilled fingers
clutching, moth-like, a frozen
flutter. where there's light there's warmth.
sunny climes. playgrounds at midnight. wildflowers
chattering nonsensical rhymes. people who love.
the great poems you might have composed
if you lived on the other side. if you were light.
you sink backward, weak with envy, sick with the beauty
of someone else's space, warm, lit and well-loved.
hands splayed against the stone, unfeeling at first,
then the sharp of the cold. then the scratches and grooves
of your rough edges. then the comfort of a substance
so unyielding it made you stand
when you could have fallen. then the grief
for lives led and lives unknown and lives only glimpsed,
warm, breaking in waves, part of a darkness so intricate
as to approach beauty. this is who you are,
an empty stone chamber
breathing slow and painfully,
turning sorrow to a sort of bright joy,
a room you love for its poetry
and silent rage
and exultation.

FIRST:

New car.
Nice apartment in a nice building.
Engagement (first and only and mostly perfect!)
Kitties.
Classy bathroom accessories.
Professional job that I enjoy.

Who knew that being normal and adult would be so fun?

I've been too busy to post lately and anyway everything's going well so there's less need to write.

Stephen and I are absurdly happy together. :) I wake up every day excited to be engaged to someone so perfect (for me) in every imaginable way. Also, he has the sexiest eyes EVER.

On Monday I will return to work not as a contracter, but as a full-time employee. It's very exciting because everyone liked me so much that they were really rooting for me to get a permanent position with the company. Benefits and stability are good... AND I will receive a rather significant raise from what I made as a contracter! We're in the middle of a huge project and I'm extremely busy & learning a lot of new things.

My good friend T and I are planning to move out together soon. The place we're staying in is more than a little bit too crowded and I'm not very comfortable with the building... we've had a car broken into, notice of a sex offender in the building, the scent of a certain illegal substance in the hallways nightly, etc. T and I get along really well and she cleans more than I do, so it will be a great match! Stephen may be leaving the state for a few months to manage a new facility for his company, and he will likely move in with us upon his return and during his visits home. We will be crazy cat ladies... she has two, and I have Stephen's kitty and possibly another kitty from our good friends. :)

Other than that, things are pretty quiet. We hang out a lot. Get margaritas with friends... attend murder mystery parties... go to shows... play karaoke video games... cook... make out furiously, etc.

Today has been a bit of a trip.

I am heartbroken for my brother and his family. V was such a kind-hearted, giving, beautiful woman who unconditionally supported and loved her three daughters and was always there for them in times of need. She welcomed my brother's entire family into her house on holidays, knowing that many of our traditions ended when my grandmother passed away. I can't really believe that she's gone.

Things are looking up as far as the job situation, though. Currently I'm doing contract work, but I may have found a fulltime position that will be a good fit for me. I don't want to say much until I know for sure, in two weeks or so. At any rate, I'm very hopeful about it.

Also, my roommate is a doll and read an essay of mine the other night & gave me really good commentary on it. It felt like such a relief to write creatively again and I was happy to have someone to share it with me. :) S, even though he lives in a different state now, has also taken an interest in it and the two of us are keeping in touch more than I expected we would.

My life is quiet in the winter. I find myself in contact with old friends and old loves, like certain books of poetry and studying literature and journaling. It isn't as *exciting* as some stages of my life have been, but this is a pace I'm comfortable with, strolling rather than racing to the edge of another precipice and launching myself off the edge, into free fall and a rough landing.